The B-Roll #10

This is the tenth edition of my weekly newsletter, The B-Roll. Thank you for coming along for the ride. 

I’ve missed writing to you.

One of the things I promised myself when I started this newsletter is that I would be consistent but also that it wasn’t something I would force myself to do if I wasn’t in the right headspace. And friend, I have been in a dark space without truly realizing it the past few weeks.

Sure, I’ve been having fun going out with my cousins and I’ve even been doing great with my mom, but that’s the funny thing about depression.

You can fake your way out of it for small bursts until you’re alone and then you’re sleeping for 14 hours because you just can’t find the strength to get off the couch.

This time of year is always difficult for me but it feels different this year. I’ve been trying to figure out what it is, and I think it’s that I have a lot to lose in my life. I don’t know when it happened, but my life is so damn fulfilling in a way that fits within the boundaries I’ve set against people. That’s another funny thing. It turns out the boundaries I set for my own healing has actually been working and I can now have conversations without feeling defensive about my mental health and life choices.

Did you all know that was possible?

There’s still a lot of work ahead of me but taking control of my mental health was the best thing I did for myself. Was it easy? Hell no. It took 10 years of me “planning” to start therapy before I actually began going and even then, I skipped out on a few sessions because I don’t think I was ready for the actual work.

Sometimes, it’s easier to stay in the comfortable space of your pain than it is to work your way out of it to begin healing.

It’s not just my mental health and relationships that have improved. My professional life is thriving even though I’m about to lose my job because of my contract ending. I’ve worked hard to build a solid reputation and I can now decide where I want my career to go. I also have the incredibly blessed dilemma of having two homes and trying to figure out how I can split my time between the two during the year because I miss my Seattle family so much but being able to reconnect with my cousins here in Istanbul has been incredible.

So, here I am, really fucking afraid to lose it all, which is my lows have been pretty low. And when that happens, the words escape me.

But I think I’m on the mend, slowly. I have my therapy session tonight and I’m finding my groove with writing again.

I’m going to change the frequency of this newsletter to every other week for now.

I also know that the holidays are a trying time for everyone, especially as we’re going into the third year of this fucking pandemic. So, I want to remind you:

If you’re struggling to be proud of yourself for making it through another year, I want to tell you that I’m proud of the way you keep showing up. And although Thanksgiving just passed, remember that you don’t have to have a grand gratitude list. You can be grateful for your life, for the small moments, for the random giggles you get from internet videos, for your health, for your job, for your comfort foods. Gratitude is in the moments we get to have.

And remember to check on your people, even if it’s a silly video that you know will make them laugh.

Above all, just be kind, especially to yourself. 

LANGUAGE CORNER: A proverb for the current state of affairs

"Umut fakirin ekmeğidir" translates to "hope is the bread of the poor." The economy in Turkey right now is bleak - it was even before the lira kept dropping but the past couple of weeks, everything is in a free fall here. Rent keeps going up while minimum wage has actually dropped and with the lira falling so hard against the dollar, I don't know when things are going to get better.

I'm lucky that I can be here and do my best to tip whenever I can and support small businesses. 

But it's just heartbreaking to see my people struggling to keep hope alive.

 SHARING CORNER: A little bit of everything

• The magic and mystery of Turkey's chestnuts: This piece brought me so much joy. Chestnuts have a special place in my heart and this is a lovely article full of equally sweet pictures.

• Small businesses to support: I throw this comment up every year but this year, there have been so many responses from creatives. Check it out to find a new small business to support. And if you're on Twitter, feel free to add to the list.

• Bookshop Gift Cards: If you have a book lover in your life and want to support local bookstores, a gift card from Bookshop.org may be a great gift to give this year.

• 📚 The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek: This is a fictionalized account of two real subjects in the history of eastern Kentucky: The true blue-skinned people of Kentucky and the brave and dedicated Kentucky Pack Horse library service of the 1930s. This was an absolutely lovely read.

• 📚 Behind Closed Doors: I do not recommend staying up until 5 am reading this book like I did, but it is a pretty good psychological thriller. TW: Manipulative partners

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Thanks for reading this far, friend. As with everything in life, this will be a work-in-progress and you can always hit "Reply" to give me feedback, commentary, or your thoughts on the topic of the letter.Until next time, I wish you a sane and healthy week.With love,