The B-Roll #18

McLovin at the Glenlevit Distillery in Scotland

This is the eighteenth edition of my weekly newsletter, The B-Roll. Thank you for coming along for the ride. If you think someone in your life might also enjoy these letters, please share this with them.

Hello friend,

It’s been a couple of weeks. The first week after returning home from Scotland, I didn’t write because I didn’t feel that my words needed to take up space at a time we were all still reeling from what happened in Texas. I didn’t even know where to begin and to talk about what was going on in my personal life felt irrelevant.

Last week, I thought I would find the words again, but I had just worked through a couple of important emotional conversations with close friends, so I was feeling drained, so I still didn’t know where to begin, even though I had a lot to say.

This is an ongoing dilemma I have as a neurodivergent personal essayist who’s been trying to find the balance for the past two decades. 

Horrible shit happens. The outrage is continuous and all I want to do is to just rant about everything. The first few weeks of 45’s presidency, I devoted my days to staying on top of the news and being the resource for my personal networks. I would have a daily thread of news updates. I barely slept. My own life felt irrelevant compared to the magnitude of everything else that was going on. 

I burned out.

I don’t think I ever fully recovered, but I’ve been working on finding the balance between being an Amplifier while not only living my life, but sharing it.

I’m a writer. I’ve tried not being one. I’ve tried putting the words away and just living life the way I’m supposed to. I’ve tried toning myself down. 

The result of all that wasn’t a better me. It wasn’t a better life. It was an inauthentic one. I began to buffer. I stopped processing life properly because I wasn’t writing.

I don’t want to buffer.

I want to write.

I want to write through the pain, the growth, the mundane, the big and the small. I want to write without thinking about the numbers on an Instagram page or the number of people who are subscribed to The B-Roll.

I want to write through the rage. 

I want to write, not as a distraction, but as a refuge. 

So here I am again, writing to you.***

A lot has happened in my personal life over the last few weeks, including watching my best friend of 21 years get married, getting stuck at the Amsterdam airport for 20 hours, and my friends throwing me my first official 90s-themed slumber party. 

I bought my ticket back to Türkiye. 

I started going to Orangetheory classes again. 

I filmed a couple more IG videos out of my comfort zone.

I had anxiety attacks.

I laughed at dumb jokes.

I went on dates.

I cried. I laughed. I fought back hypomanic episodes.

I fucked up.

I tried again.

I procrastinated.

I tried again.

I keep trying and learning and living and fearing my power.

So, I will keep coming back to you. To this space. To work through these things out loud and I read every one of your responses, even if it takes me weeks to reply.

LANGUAGE CORNER: Don't call it a rebrand

On June 2nd, 2022, the UN agreed to "change Turkey's official name to Türkiye," which naturally brought a lot of commentary and trolls who thought they were being funny to the forefront. "Turkey" is anglophonic pronunciation of Türkiye, which is interesting considering it derives from Medieval Latin Turchia/Turquia, which means "land of the Turks".

Let's get one thing straight. Our country's official name, since the becoming the republic in 1923 has been 

Türkiye Cumhuriyeti,

which translates to the Republic of Türkiye. But 

Türkiye

entered international documents even before then. 

If you've ever watched a game of football on a Spanish-speaking channel, you've already heard Turquía, which is as close as it gets to the Turkish pronunciation of our name.

So, please, stop saying that we're changing our name or rebranding as Türkiye. We're just taking our name back.

(Obviously, you know how I feel about the political side of things and I am staying away from expressing my opinions in public about that considering I'm about to spend 6 months back home).

SHARING CORNER:

I haven't really read or watched much lately (except for my anxiety rewatch of Supernatural) but I do want to give a special shoutout to my unofficial mentor, the incredible Ann Handley, who just finished the second edition of Everybody Writes.She wrote about the process in her newsletter, Total Annarchy, which you should absolutely subscribe to if you haven't already.Ann is one of the best people I've ever known, an industry legend, a total introvert sweetheart, and I consider myself lucky to call her a friend. And will completely blame her as I get even more annoying once I begin writing my first book since she was the one who planted the damn "write a book" bug in my ear at the top of the Smith Tower a few years ago. But when the woman who wrote the book on writing a book tells you to write one, you fucking go for it.

***

Thanks for reading this far, friend. As with everything in life, this is a continuous work-in-progress and you can always hit "Reply" to give me feedback, commentary, or your thoughts on the topic of the letter.Until next time, I wish you a sane and healthy week.With love,